2005-05-01, 08:43 PM
Traditional Version:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's
a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter,
the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so
he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself and plan for the future.
Modern Version:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's
a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter,
the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know
why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are
cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of
the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable
home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody
cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages
a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film
the group singing "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel
down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Tom Daschle & John
Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten
rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax
hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Al Sharpton appears on
all the major news outlets to promote his "million grasshopper march",
claiming he is outraged by the speciesism of the ant. His "million
grasshopper march" manages to only muster up 200-300 grasshoppers,
but is covered extensively by the major media a major success and a
turning point in the grasshopper rights movement. Finally, the EEOC
drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti Grasshopper Act," retroactive to
the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a
proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his
retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary then
gets involved and holds a rally. After complaining about the "vast
antcolony conspiracy", she promises to get her old law firm to represent
the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant. The case moves
forward and is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed
from a list of single parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case. The
story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's
food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the
ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The
ant has disappeared in the snow. A month later, the grasshopper, after
again being hungry because he ate the the ant's entire winter supply of
food, is found dead in a drug related incident. The house, now abandoned,
is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful
neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican