2005-05-03, 01:51 PM
A woman's tale of hair removal
Hair removal...................
You don't have to be a woman to appreciate this story. I guarantee it will
have women (men too) laughing out loud!!
All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal -
the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and
now . . The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work,
fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that
would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use
that wax in my medicine cabinet. I set up my boy with a video and head to the
site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just
rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or
wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in
the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?
I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so
maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,
stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax
(I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to
ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)
I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so
it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair
and smooth skin extraordinaire! With my next wax strip, I move north.
After checking on my boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one
with Bear and learning all about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The
Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line,
covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up into the inside of the right
ass cheek.
(Yeah, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind! Blind from the pain!
Vision returning.
Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep
breath.
And RIIIP!
Everything is swirly and tie-dyed?
Do I hear crashing drums?
OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered
pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.
But why is there no hair on it?
Why is the wax mostly gone?
Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?
Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see
hair - the hair that should be on the strip.
I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout
"nooooooo!!" And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of
"The Tar Baby."
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake-- up
until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know I need
to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I
hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut.
Ass? Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to do #2 anytime soon.
Your head just might pop off."
A penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I
should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I
can stand and get in the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?
Wrong.
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now the only thing
worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together
and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.
So now I'm stuck to the tub.
I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely
she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good
to start a conversation with "So my ass and hoochie are stuck to the tub. She
doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is on the ass - "Are we talking cheek or hole,
here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now. I give her the
run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of
the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax
actually is.
"You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody
called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then
record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio
show or the internet if you tell them the truth."
While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering
them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving
the wax off!
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other
subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion
provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's
working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up.
I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is
still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that
point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.
Never know, I may want to try it again